Disconnected

You'll receive what you give

And this is like nothing

I feel like shit

But at least I feel something

"Disconnected" by In Flames

Artistically and technically, the above song isn't hot stuff, but I appreciate the directness of the lyrics.

For a rainy Monday, I made this spiced cake to warm up the space, to edge out the creeping voidness, the damp, cold snot of springtime. More specifically, the limp, clammy grip of another spring spent alone. I used to look with scorn on the coupled people I'd see holding hands around town and on Princeton's campus. Now I see I was jealous. Still jealous! A little self-care can go a long way to putting me in the right place to alleviate said loneliness, even while still alone.



Applesauce Apple Spice Cake with Almond Honey Buttercream
Modified from http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/10/spiced-applesauce-cake/ from http://www.gourmet.com/recipes/2000s/2009/10/spiced-applesauce-cake-with-cinnamon-cream-cheese-frosting

For cake
3/4 cup teff flour
3/4 cup sorghum flour
3/4 cup GF oat flour
1/2 teaspoon xanthan gum
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon Kosher salt
2 teaspoons King Arthur Flour apple pie spice

1 1/2 cups unsweetened, unadulterated applesauce
1/2 cup maple syrup
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons ground flaxseed
2 tablespoons canola oil, plus more for pan

1 cup walnuts, toasted and broken to bits
2 medium apples (your choice on type), diced (about 2 cups)

For frosting
1 cup whole raw almonds, soaked and drained
8 dates, soaked and drained
1/4-1/2 cup soaking water
2 tablespoons honey (or to taste)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Grease an 8*8-inch square dark pan and set aside. Place the walnuts on a sheet of foil and toast in the preheating oven, about 8 minutes, or until fragrant. Remove from oven and set aside. Break into small bits when cool enough to handle.

In a large bowl, sift together the dry ingredients and whisk to combine.  In a large measuring cup, whisk together the wet ingredients and the ground flaxseed until the flaxseed is evenly distributed.  Add the wet to the dry and fold in the apples and walnuts. Mix well and transfer to prepared pan. Give the pan a good shake to settle and even out the batter.

Bake for 45-50 minutes or until browned on top, the top springs back, and a knife stabbed through the centre comes out clean. Cool on a rack in the pan for 15 minutes then remove from the pan and cool completely on the rack.

While the cake is baking and cooling, make the topping.

In a food processor or high-speed blender, blend the dates and almonds with 1/4 to 1/2 cup of soaking water until desired consistency is reached. Stir in the honey.

I used local honey harvested by a friend who's an apiary; I feel few ethical qualms about using honey from Cat's bees.

Serve pieces of cake with a dollop of almond date cream. Nomsauce.

I'm learning why they call them feels "crushes." Because that's how you feel when they shake. I'm not clinging to labels to make myself feel better and saying, "Hey, I'm ace and aromantic after all, j/k!" 

Nope, if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. Rather...let's accept the fact of singleness and work on being for myself, alone. I can best do that by being mindful and disconnecting from the 'nets save during set parts of the day.